56/365
2/5/2010
Character:
Surgeon General
Setting:
Infinite Nowhere
- – - – -
Surgeon General stand in front of the audience.
Surgeon: Hello. It has come to our attention that you are about to watch a scene related to and regarding the MTV Original Television Series, Jersey Shore. As your United States Surgeon General it is my duty to inform you that consumption of anything impersonating, pertaining to, or concerning the television series Jersey Shore is harmful to your health.
Although coming into direct contact with the show is not advised, ingestion of anything Jersey Shore-related may damage one’s critical-thinking abilities, cause complications with pregnancy, and has been strongly linked to lung cancer, impotency, heart disease, and degeneration of cerebral matter. Continued exposure to Jersey Shore may only accelerate these symptoms.
One thing, though, that has been positively attributed to the show in particular cases is a sense of self-worth and respect; but this is, of course, user dependent. While these results are possible, it is still suggested that you refrain from anything having to do with Jersey Shore and to seek other outlets for finding these emotional effects.
As Surgeon General, it is not my job to tell you what to and to not do. As your United States Surgeon General, it is my job to inform you and help you make the best decisions possible for yourself and those around you. As a concerned citizen though I must say that if more attention is given to television series such as this and others, I understand why the terrorists want us dead. Because if even one American is willing to devote just a half hour to Jersey Shore once a week capitalism truly has one.
If you have more questions regarding your health and MTV’s Jersey Shore, you can find information elaborating upon what we’ve talked about here at w-w-w-(dot)-truth-about-the-shore-(dot)-gov.
With that said, thank you for your time and for listening. Make sure to pass this information on to friends and loved ones who are unaware; it may just save their life.
Thank you, again and have a wonderful night. May God bless America.
Surgeon General bows and walks off.
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